fractured

Driving away from the house in the early evening, Gray in the carseat and unhappy about it, I felt like running away. Running until my chest constricted and forced my legs to melt, my body sink to earth. And reality. I felt like running from Graysen, who screamed at me from his carseat. Not a sad scream, not a crying scream. A scream to see where my boundaries would be. A scream so shrill it made my head echo painfully. After each such scream he looked at me, challenging me. What are you gonna do about that, huh? his eyes seemed to say. They could have burned holes through me, bad mama who strapped him unwilling into the carseat. If you wanna see your mama pull all her hair out and run screaming from the car you keep that up...I said through clenched teeth. He kept it up. Kept doing it until my voice washed over the decibels of his, canceling out his fury with my own. I turned and saw his little body jump, his eyes crumple along with his rosebud lips. He began to cry. The screaming challenge ground to a sudden halt. I drove on, raging mother, taboo and guilty. Full of anger and regret. I wanted to reach back and touch his little bare legs. Comfort him. Reassure him that his mother isn't psychotic. Isn't fractured with insanity.
But I didn't want him to start screaming again...I wanted...needed...to be taken seriously. I white-knuckled it into town, listening to the tide of his sadness ebb. Then, there was silence between us, the monotone of the car engine the only soundtrack for our sinking feelings. Mother, child. Mother, son. Mother...baby. He is my baby. I reached back, felt his rounded knee, rubbed his little boy legs. Turned my head ever so briefly and saw his little half moon belly poking out from under his big boy button up shirt. Caught a small smile playing on his lips.
Everything forgiven. The fracture sewn back up, fire and fury tucked away. For now.